Saturday, December 5, 2009

Please Don't Stop the Fist Pump

The fist pump is for sure the hottest dance move right now.

To all my friends, I don't want to dance with you anymore unless we're fist pumping.

"To those who don't know about fist pumping, you don't know jack. Guido fist pumping is the only form of dance accepted on the Jersey Shore. Pump your fist or go home lonely and cry your Guido eyes out."

A good Tutorial from

1. We'll start with the footwork. What you need to do is practice skipping in place. Imagine you're skipping forward -- much like a fairy or pixie -- but remain in place. You're doing what I call a "double tap," in time with the music, with each foot. As you begin to master this "double tap," try to put a bit of spring in your step, getting higher off the ground with each successive repetition.

2. Now, make fists with both hands. Touch your fists -- they should be about an inch apart -- to your forehead and keep them there. Your palms should be facing, and your thumbs and forefingers will be in contact with your head with the pinky side of your fists facing outward.

3. With your fists still touching your forehead, flare your elbows the same way a Guido would when he talks on his cellphone. Once your elbows are properly flared in true Guido fashion -- as far upward as you can possibly get them -- it's time to introduce proper Juicehead arm action.

4. Tilt your head back so your line of sight is at a forty-five degree angle upward. In other words, if you were to draw a straight line from ceiling to floor -- through your body -- your line of vision would form a forty-five degree angle to the segment of the line from your head upward, and a one-hundred thirty-five degree angle to the segment extending down to your feet. A useful verbal cue is to imagine you're staring at the goal on a regulation basketball backboard.

5. Extend -- I believe a more accurate term for this would be "pump" -- your arms in time to the music, aligning this extension precisely with the line of vision you've established. This is done by alternating the pumping arm. Left, right, left, right, and so on. At this point, it is advisable to continue holding your hands in a "fisted" position. Some advanced Guidos may choose to execute this pumping action with their hands forming a "hang loose" gesture, but this is a matter of preference.

6. It is imperative to remain "on beat." A good rule of thumb is contained in the following formula:

One "double tap" with feet = One fist pump

7. Facial expressions are crucial to the success of any Juicehead Dance. I know it's difficult to concentrate at first, but try to maintain this until the dance has ended.

8. Another important consideration is rigidity. Juicehead Guidos know they must remain in a rigid, flexed position at all times -- even when sleeping or eating -- and when you're doing their Juicehead Dance, you should follow suit. When you raise your arms, make absolutely certain to flex them as hard as you possibly can. And you must take care to maintain this rigidity throughout, remembering that time-tested Guido axiom:

Elasticity eradicates credibility

9. Now put it all together: the "double tap" skip, the head tilt, the facial posturing, and the alternating "pumping" and "flexing" of the arms. Hold it together until a visible sweat stain forms on the back of your hideously ugly pseudo-silk shirt, and you're there. Don't forget to grope someone's girlfriend, get in a fight, get thrown out, say stupid shit to the bouncers, and get arrested, and you, too, can be a dyed-in-the-wool New York Juicehead Guido.

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